To begin, even if you were/are a virgin when you got/get married, this post is still for you. Namely because you’re human, so if you haven’t been poked or done the poking, you’ve probably rubbed yourself enough to know what feels good, and seen enough shitty Showtime After Dark series or youporn.com (dirt-ball virgin) to know how this whole sex thing works.

Marriage is a wonderful thing, assuming it works and all. But sex that first night (it’s technically 99% of the time the next morning) can be a little weird, right? You’ve been girlfriend/boyfriend, have humped a lot in your relationship, but this is different. This woman, from the guy’s perspective, will now more than likely be the mother of your children. Do Mom’s ask for fingers in their ass? Do Mom’s take loads to the face? Do Mom’s lick your taint and lie that they love it?

All of the above might be a big “thumbs up,” but here is where a piece of guy’s advice is valuable. We don’t want any of the above on wedding night sex. While we don’t want to take the kinkiness out of the relationship, ever, wedding night sex is a symbolic projection into the future. So with that said, here are some tips.

• Keep your dress on

I’ve been to enough weddings where post ceremony, the heels come off, some cheeseball version of white-on-white Sketchers come on, and then cue up the INXS cover band. Ok, this will occur, no fighting it, but don’t also swap out the wedding dress for something more comfortable. You know why? Because later that night we want to lift the dress up and put our penis in you, flowing tail and white feathers and all. But more on that later.

• Don’t puke

This is a big issue, and more on the guy’s end. So when I say “don’t puke,” that also means monitor the groom’s drinking so he doesn’t end up throwing chunks that evening either. His friends will want to do shots all night, your friends might want to do the same. But they have nothing to lose – they won’t be spending time with your Great Aunt, dancing in front of hundreds of people, nor taking photos that will be further analyzed by your catty cousins for decades to come. You need to keep your wits about, and puking for either one of you will result in shitty or no sex that night. And that’s not what we’re looking for here.

• Stay flirty

Ok, now we´re getting to it. You should have already shed those 8 pounds prior to the big day, been running at least 4 times a week, and eating like a fucking vegan rat. Your body might be at its peak condition, so make the most of it. Stay flirty with your man throughout the evening. Little gestures, whispers in his ear like, “I can’t wait for you to enter me later,” this shit is hot. Giving him a wink from across the room, making eye contact with that “come hither, I’m going to suck your dick” look while you dance with your Dad, we love that.

And second, for our male readers, stay flirty with her as well. Tell her how hot she looks, use the “love” word, do things you’ve seen romantic leading men do in movies. This stuff doesn’t come naturally to us, so recall a movie scene, one that made you fall into a coma but you knew she was crying during, and reenact it. In fact, have this loaded up in your head prior to the big night. That’s a veteran move and one that will pay big dividends.

• Predetermined “call it a night” time

I’ve been there, married and what not. I went through the ceremony, etc., and calling it a night is one of the toughest calls you can make all night. Everyone wants to spend time with you, talk nonsense, get sentimental, it can be quite a grind. As a collective couple, predetermine between the two of you when to call it a night so you can slip away to fuck.

Now, I’m going to say something controversial. I fully accept leaving without advising your guests. Here’s the thing, you make a giant show out of your imminent departure, and you will be stuck for at least the next hour, trust me, shaking hands, exchanging sloppy cheek kisses, alongside awkward hugs and handshakes with your nephew who thinks he’s the next Eminem. I am all for sneaking away, which by the way, nobody will judge you for. Know why? Because at this point in the night, everyone is bombed and definitely aren’t thinking about you. So fix a time, hit the meeting place, and get to work.

Now on to the big event. I highly, HIGHLY suggest getting some oil and creams for this evening. Massage oil, sex oil, whatever you want to call it, have some on hand. It’s been a big night and your clothes are bugging the shit out of you at this point. Get naked, get into some massage work, be overly generous with the oils, they’re there to be spilled on your perfect bodies.

Second, have some sandwiches from room service available. You’re probably hungry, but don’t go in on a lasagna or a t-bone. Get some light food in you so that you’ve got some stamina for the upcoming 9 minutes. Here is where your instincts will take over. Recall all the flirty gestures throughout the night, how she twerked to the obligatory Beyonce “Put a ring on it,” the way your cousin grabbed the waiter’s package. All these are great images to get hard/wet to.

Now, you’re naked, but like I mentioned earlier, your husband wants to fuck you with the dress on. So here is where you stand-up, exit, and re-enter with that beautiful piece of craftsmanship that you will never wear nor see again. Lift it up, rub your pussy on his face, and then bend over. He will cherish this moment forever.