Let’s face it, relationships are not easy. If they were, we’d all be in them, happy as larks, divorce non-existent. What for! But relationships are tough, real tough, which in many ways makes them all the lovelier when they work out over the long-term.

While cynical with most things, when it comes to relationships cynicism is so 2005. It’s low-hanging comedic fruit, we all want a loving relationship so let’s stop pretending we don’t for contrarian sake. With that said, as a man I recognize that we can be tough cookies to crack. We’re quite simple, barbaric even in many ways. Our bathing habits could be better, eating tends to be noisier and less refined than our female counterparts, and sex can sometimes be a sweaty mess with jizz everywhere and you longing for your vibrator, ice-cream and a glass of chardonnay.

It is commonly thought that men have a fear of intimacy. Like most things, if it’s been repeated ad nauseum for decades upon decades, there is probably something to it. You’re not going to find a definitive medical study stating such, but most therapists will concur that men more than women in general have more trouble letting their guard down and fully delivering their brutish selves to the opposite sex. So, what’s the deal? Here are some common intimacy blockers:

Pre-“You” Trauma

It’s not you this time, it really is him. Previous relationship trauma can leave us scarred for the next gal, and this sucks for everyone involved. While this is obviously not solely a guy issue, being cheated on, having an absent partner or parent, abuse or worse can be a real deal breaker when it comes to forming something new.

There is no uncomplicated way around this one. If you’ve got a guy, a good guy, a guy that listens, fucks you well, can cook something that involves an ingredient from the ground or a tree, and is generally a nice dude, he’s a keeper. If he went through something painful prior to you, get in therapy. You can talk it over til the cows home, but unless you have a third party to traverse this emotional highway with you two as a couple his intimacy fears will stick around like a persistent genital wart. By the way, they’re persistent because they’re not pimples, they’re fucking genital warts. Get that shit taken care.

OCD or worse

Sometimes fear of intimacy comes from an actual mental health issue. OCD, depression, paranoid features, while these sound like things that can be vetted out prior to launching into a relationship, we’re good at hiding shit, so watch out. In all seriousness though, it’s not like we seek to purposely hide these things. We’re afraid (see a pattern here) that if we tell you you’ll leave.

Now, you very well might leave which would make you a terrible waste of skin. But besides that, these are issues that again can be managed and controlled to the point where you would barely notice the symptoms. But again, this takes work, an investment in “us,” and lots of dudes have low esteem when it comes to valuing themselves with a mental health diagnosis. Again, if he cooks with vegetables, licks your pussy at a 7 or above on a scale to 10, but washes his hands incessantly and occasionally locks himself in the basement for fear of the coming spider apocalypse, while the latter is certainly grounds for fleeing the country with all your possessions as quickly as possible, take this to a therapist. You will be surprised how many basements never get used again after a good therapist gets in the mix.

The secret addition

Lastly, some dudes have some secrets they don’t want to get out. And they in turn fear that an intimate relationship will end up revealing said addiction which will ruin everything. Fucking everything! Some addictions are clear deal-breakers – sex with anything that can’t speak English (or any other recognizable language for that matter), extreme paint huffing, coin collections with the sole purpose of smelling and licking them, or any combination of these three. But lots of addictions aren’t all that harmful and even if he smells and licks coins, why can’t you talk these things over?

Again, this comes back to our insecurities, so it really is us and not you. But we need you to assure us that you won’t leave. That is the worst, being left. Our fear of intimacy comes from the unknown, and what we would do without you. So, a lot of times youporn is just easier and less complicated.

But we want real vaginas and assholes to tickle, and pretty, long hair to touch and beautiful eyes to look at us. We really do which is why if you suspect any of the above in play (outside of the non-English fucking), work on it, and do it with a professional. That’s why they put themselves in debt, to counsel us and pay monthly payments to Sallie Mae for the rest of their lives.