Something that continues to confound me, but essentially makes the case in the point that we’re all animals, is humans have been fucking now for thousands of years. Thousands. If you’re lucky, you’ll have fucked, made love, whatever you choose to define it over a 50-year period. The early years might have had some noticeable gaps, inadvertently coinciding with acne breakout or dental head-gear. The latter years might also have some conspicuous breaks in action, either related to simply not giving a shit or a blow-up doll that just does about everything right.

But back to my original point – we haven’t grown bored of fucking! This is crazy, what a run having sex has had. Not even the iPhone can compete with a thousand straight years. While we can all agree that pumping and getting jammed feels good, variety is truly the spice of life, and positions, costumes, toys, oils, you name it, have kept this run alive and well. I mean, look at the White Unicorn online store, who do you think demands all this? You! And why, because it’s hot, turns you on, turns your partner on, and that’s all gravy, right?

Of course, but aside from the toys and bells and whistles, it’s the physical contact that really counts. Positions, ladies and gentlemen, from what angles you choose to join penis with vagina (one hole for now) is where the real magic lies. The variety of positions is what has kept fucking the Starbucks or Coke or McDonalds of cheap human entertainment. While missionary is probably where it all began, doggie-style probably wasn’t too far behind (I swear that was an unintentional pun). But since then we’ve really gone to work. While the positions can be endless, today we’re going to concentrate on “riding your man.”

Within this broad category, we’re going to focus on three positions – facing each other, facing away, and plastered together. From a guy’s perspective, the choice of any of the three is 9 times out of 10 decided by the lady. Few guys will request, “I prefer that you plaster me.” That could be gay code in the larger pottery world, but for most heterosexual partners, women typically take the first decision to jump on top.

Ok, so now that you’re on top, first make sure he’s somewhat hard. Nothing worse than literally jumping into this with a flaccid wee-wee on your hands. Foreplay needs to be enough to get him excited at least 65% of the way. You can then do some slight rubbing and teasing to bring him to full mast. Oral always does the trick as well, but messing around with some oils and your feet (colloquially referred to as the “foot-jack”) is also an interesting way to play with his honker. You want to be interesting after all, because every good move you make will be spoken of the following day with his friends. Make sure your foot-jack game is on point.

Facing each other

The classic of the three. Make sure you start off leaning into him, face-to-face, almost plastering him, but not quite, and you can either guide the dick in with your hands or, and I do mean OR, play with the tip with your pussy, and coax it in naturally. This really turns us on, feeling your moistness and knowing that on its own our loyal companion will be able to enter without external assistance.

Once he’s in, don’t sit up. Rock back and forth to get the mood right, a little ear nibbling, reassuring him, letting him know those Citibank overdraft fees don’t mean he’s a loser, just a bit sloppy on the monthly budgeting side. Once you can really feel him, sit up, thrust those titties forth, grab his hands and place them on your round mounds. Let him play a bit, and then rinse and repeat.

Facing away

The more complex of the three, you will be sitting on him with your ass towards him. Now, every guy has their own preference on this one. I prefer having the lady basically lay on top of me, face up, I slip it in, and then I thrust while grabbing on to her tits. She then sits up on occasion, bending forward, grabbing my thighs while of course moaning with intense pleasure.

A good tip here – once you bend forward, make sure you move more vertically up and down on the shaft so we can see our cock entering and leaving you. That’s really cool for us. Like confirmation that it’s happening and we’re not fucking a random wet spot on your body while you’re too polite to tell us we’re not inside you. On the embarrassment scale, this ranks right up there with an accidental dick-pick to your wife’s best friend.

Full disclosure, this position doesn’t last long. The mechanics are a bit wacky, but a nice intermediate move before he blows his load and then checks his fantasy football line-up.

Plastered together

Ok, so this was a new one for me with my current girlfriend. She can only really get off with her legs tightly clenched together. So, what she does is, she plasters me, face-down on top of me, I slip it in, and then she closes her legs super tight and moves back and forth like a fucking fish out f water on its last breath. There isn’t a lot of bouncing, more like rubbing north and south, horizontally if that makes sense.

I’m sure if we recorded this it would get nobody off. Ever. The motion is not overly fluid, but it does feel cool and another tip – if we know you are enjoying it and are likely to cum (especially before us) we enjoy it. In fact, that’s the fucking key to all this. Know what gets you off when on top and do that. Hearing you scream makes us forget our overdraft dilemmas. And that my friends is why sex has worked so well for thousands of years.